What would happen if a fully-grown rhinoceros charged into the side of a stationary Sherpa van?
Jocelyn Earl: I was wondering something the other day, and it seems right up your street. What would happen if a fully-grown rhinoceros charged into the side of a stationary Sherpa van? Would it have enough momentum to knock a hole in it or turn it over? Would this hurt the rhino? I think we should be told. Great column, by the way.
Mike Trow [Bizarre picture ed.]: There are five living species of rhino, and they vary in terms of both size and how aggressive they are. Most, however, are quite hard.
The most likely ones to attack a Sherpa van are black rhinos and white rhinos. The white rhino is the world’s second-biggest land mammal after the elephant. Standing up to 6 foot 6 inches at the shoulder, 14 foot long and weighing up to 4 tons, it’s not to be fucked with. Its single horn is typically 18 inches long, made of very tough hair, and as hard as nails. The Sherpa van, on the other hand, is about the same length, a bit taller, and weighs in at around a ton and a half. A full-on side assault from the rhino would rip open its side, and the beast could easily topple the van and leave it in tatters. As the rhino can run at up to 30mph and generate a lot of momentum, the Sherpa would have to be travelling at a good 60mph to deflect and kill whitey in a head-on collision. Of course, the occupants would also have a good chance of kicking it, as the Sherpa is not noted for its safety in a crash, however tough it may have looked in ‘The Spy Who Loved Me’.
The black rhino is smaller but more aggressive that the white, and it too would easily duff up a slow-moving Sherpa. The van’s only hope in an all-out fight would be that the rhino would knock itself out in the impact of a head-on crash, or else get its horn trapped in the side bodywork. British Leyland’s finest’s best chance would be to try to outrun ceratotherium. Faced with the hardest beast on the savannah, resistance would be futile. Shame there’s only a few thousand of them left - Sherpas, that is.